Try Again In The Morning

Today did not start well. I woke up to a sharp pain in my lower back area thirty minutes before my already early alarm clock was set to ring. Not again. I thought the pregnancy constipation had been dealt with. Guess not. I quickly climbed out of bed and headed to sit on the toilet, hoping that this time I would actually be able to go and so avoid more pain this morning. No such luck. After sitting there for five minutes or so I finished up, washed my hands, and went back to bed in hopes of sleeping a few more minutes. That hope was dashed ten minutes later as the familiar stabbing/burning pain woke me once more. I scrambled toward the restroom, trying to get there before the pain got any stronger. Once again, the trip was pointless…the pain still stole my breath and the bowel movement refused to move. I was still sitting on the porcelain throne when the alarm blared from the bedroom until eventually silenced by my husband. Launched exhausted and muddle-brained into my day, I struggled to stay awake as I led period after period of students through a review and unit test. On my planning period I collapsed in my cushioned butterfly chair and set an alarm to avoid oversleeping…should I be so lucky as to actually sleep. I didn’t, but closing my eyes helped. 

Too many of my days have been like this over the past months. This time it was constipation induced sciatica (I think), but more often the culprit has been fibromyalgia pain. Both leave me exhausted, struggling to get through the day. I arrive home with no reserves of energy left to do more than occasionally make dinner. My house often goes unswept and unvacuumed. My ever helpful husband often ends up doing the dishes on his own. My musical instruments are unplayed, the dogs run in the backyard instead of getting a long walk, and my garden is buried in weeds. There are things that I both want and need to do that remain undone, as I hope and pray for a free day to coincide with enough energy to actually accomplish stuff. And all the while I feel like a failure. Or lazy. Or both. I hate being stuck on the couch, afraid to tackle any tasks because the effort might steal the energy I need to make it to work in the morning. I mentally chastise myself because the ideal, imaginary me would be more driven, harder to knock down, and more determined to carry on as if I wasn’t pregnant and didn’t have a chronic health problem. My mental bullying multiplies the stress and anxiety I already feel, making me sad and despondent.

Then I remember. I am not responsible to the impossible imaginary me. I simply need to do my best, love the people around me, and leave the rest of it for later. I can try again in the morning. If it doesn’t happen tomorrow I can try it again the next morning. And the next. My worth is not measured by what I can accomplish. I have intrinsic value as a child of God, as a wife, a daughter, and a soon to be mother. I am loved, and I love back. Sometimes that just has to be enough. Too often we calculate our worth based on perceived accomplishments: I vacuumed today, therefore I am a good homemaker, or I aced that evaluation at work today, I am a good teacher. When this is the main source of our feeling of self worth and worthiness we will struggle when things are not going so well. We should value and take pride in a job well done, but it neither adds or takes away from our intrinsic value.

I wish I could say that this is how I think every day, but when fibromyalgia leaves me in pain and clouds my brain in foggy confusion, or when unwelcome pregnancy side effects make my day twice as hard I have to stop the negative thought train, and remind myself that this is not the measure of my worth. Romans 5:8 says, “God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” God loved me, valued me, before I was even interested in loving Him, so why would He stop now? Remember this fault finding brain! Remember! 

So once again, it is the end of the day and I am exhausted. My hands are swollen, my eyes heavy, and my energy is gone. My brain feels stuck in mud. The dog hair is floating in the corner, waiting to be vacuumed, and the dishes haven’t been done yet. So be it. God loves me, my husband and family love me, my pets don’t really care, and I will try again in the morning. 

Do you struggle with a self value based on daily or weekly accomplishments? I can’t be the only one, right?! Remember God loves you even when stuff doesn’t get done on our time schedule. Leave a comment below, I would love to hear from you!