Letting Go Can Be Hard

Five steps for dealing with emotional clutter

Letting go is hard. Sometimes it is harder than others. Letting go of things often feels like losing part of me, losing my connection to the past, both people and events. Letting go is painful.

At our house we are preparing for the arrival of our first child, and I don’t want her to come live with us in a cluttered, messy, stressful home. I’ve been told over and over that babies bring lots of stuff, so be ready for a never ending mess. This made my thoughts turn to my already full home, and I began to wonder where we would put all of the things needed for our bundle of joy. Now please understand, I am determined to limit the unnecessary items as much as possible, but it is a reality that we will need many things we do not currently own in order to care for our child safely and effectively. With a flood of incoming items dancing in my head I began to look at the things we already have, wondering how much I really needed and what I could rehome or dispose of without actually missing any of it. 

I’ve spent the last several weeks considering the things we own. Do we need that chair? Is that vase really very pretty? Can I give away the nick nack table my husband built without crying? Each item, no matter how mundane, has a memory or an emotional connection. I can remember where each thing came from and how happy each item made me. Some were gifts, or hand crafted by my husband and I. Others were lucky finds at a thrift store or a much discussed new purchase. They are all familiar and valued, even if they are no longer needed.

Perhaps this all sounds familiar. You too have things that you don’t need or even want any more, yet you hesitate to let them go. Maybe just thinking about it makes you sad as your mind fills with memories and emotion. How can your remain focused on making space in your home without falling into the emotions trap?

1. Establish both a rational and an emotional reason for decluttering

If you set out to remove unneeded items from your home without a clear reason then you will experience short term success as you remove the easy items that you never liked or wanted in the first place. When you get past the easy items you will find that it is hard to remove valued items unless you have a clear reason in mind.

We are both reasoning and emotional beings at the same time. Think about your reason for decluttering, and try to put the logical reason into an emotion that you can feel. If your reason is a desire to keep your house looking less cluttered then you could translate this into the goal of feeling less stressed. With this feeling fixed in your mind, consider the unneeded item you want to remove. Is the feeling of attachment to that item stronger or weaker than your desire for less stress? Often you will find that the desire for current peace out weighs the sentimental attachment. If not, then set the item aside and look for something else that will be easier to let go. There is no shame in either outcome. It is your belonging and your home. Your opinion is the only one that really matters.

2. Consider why you are attached 

There are many reasons why you may be attached to an item, and several emotions that may be sustaining the attachment. A strong attachment can be created by feelings of guilt. There are things I have bought and never used, yet I resist rehoming them because I feel guilty for wasting the money and effort it took to acquire. If you find you are holding for this reason then consider this: why has the item never been used, and will you ever really use it if it has not happened by now?

Another cause of guilt is heirloom or gift situation. Someone gave you the item, and you do not want to let it go because it might make them feel bad or because you feel you owe it to the history of the item and it’s owners to keep it in your home. When you discover this to be the emotion that is binding you to an unneeded or unwanted item then keep focus on this thought: it is YOUR house. You do not need to keep anything that you do not really and truly want! Find a way to let it go. Perhaps someone else in your family has been eyeing that treasure, or perhaps another person could find joy in gaining the item you want to rehome. Locate a new owner and pass it on!

A second very powerful emotional connection can be created by associating an item with your ideal self. There are books sitting on my shelf that I keep simply because they are books my ideal self would like to read. Will I ever read them? Maybe, but it is not likely. I only hold on to them because that is the person I would ideally be, not because it is the one I will ever likely become. Now, I am not saying that setting personal growth goals is a bad thing, but it is easy to gather and keep things that I will never use because it makes me feel good to picture myself as the person who uses those things. One of the most common categories in which this happens is exercise equipment. Treadmills, exercise bikes, free weights, and more are often bought and kept in the home when a simple pair of walking shoes would fit the actual need. Aspirational items do no good if you are not actively working on your goal. Holding on to those items when they are not used does not make you any fitter, it just takes up room. Common items that fall in this category are clothes for your skinnier self, how-to books, and hobby equipment.

3. Let go of things at the right time

There is a right time for everything, and that time is not always now. There may be an urgent reason you need to declutter such as moving to a smaller home or making room for a new person in your home, but for most of us the process does not have a deadline. Reading about decluttering and minimizing often leaves me with the feeling that I need to get rid of everything now. Today. This minute. The truth is that decluttering and letting go of things only happens  at the speed I am comfortable with, not on some imaginary timeline. When you reach an item with which you still feel a strong bond it is important to take a moment to test that bond against the feeling you are trying to achieve by decluttering. If attachment is the strongest feeling of the two then you can simply set the item aside. Attachment feelings have a way of fading with time. Something you could not bear to let go a year ago may cause a mere flicker on the emotion meter today. There is no rush. Do not leave a bleeding emotional wound because you felt pressure to dispose of something you were not ready to lose.

4. Find Good Homes for Treasured Belongings

Something that keeps me from letting go of things I value but no longer need is the feeling that I owe them a new home where they will continue to be cared for and valued. I know, I know, I am over sentimental and a bit crazy, but the truth remains that I do not want to simply trash or donate certain items. My solution to this problem is finding a friend who wants the item, or posting it to an online sale forum for cash or for free. My theory is that someone who will come all the way to get my item, and even pay money to take it home, will care for and value it. This helps me to let the item go, effectively ending any obligation I have to the item. Crazy, I know, but it really does work. It is slower than packing everything into my car and driving to the local thrift store, but it makes me feel better and even gives me some extra cash.

5. Take your time and don’t Stress

The quickest way to stop decluttering and end up watching TV while feeling vaguely depressed is to attempt too much at one time. Decluttering occasionally happens in frantic burst of energy, clearing entire rooms at one time. More often it is a slow, quiet process of looking around for the two or three things you can let go today. It is easy to place a high value on doing everything at once, but you can get the same results if you try to remove a few things each day or each week. The slow process is not glamorous but it is often more lasting because you are creating a habit. If you work the habit of letting things go long enough you will not only have a less crowded, more serene space, but you may find yourself carefully considering new acquisitions before you let them in your house. That is when you know you are winning!